All I want for Christmas... (6 months post-op)

6 months ago today – probably right on the dot – I was being strapped to the operating table in a spaceship looking operating theatre in a very old hospital building. Thinking back to the particular memories I have just before and just after the surgery, it is the most surreal experience I've had so far. Sometimes when I think about them it still hits me as something transcendent. Probably because I’d never experienced general anaesthetics before, but being “there” one moment and then “losing it” for nearly two hours and then “getting back” is very emotional for me. (I remember telling the anaesthetic doctor when I came about that he must discuss the financial details of some sort of home improvement deal with my husband...) I do not like losing control. I'm the epitome of a control freak. This emotional upheaval might have been exacerbated by the all the attachment I grew and nurtured regarding the procedure and my expectations about my weight loss.

So, how do I feel now? Well... all that was exactly 6 months ago: 23 June 2011. (It was freaking 40C (104 F) outside. I love heat and summer! – unlike today when I was freezing my tushy off walking the dog)

And here are the results:

Starting weight: 235lbs (pre-preop diet)

Current weight: 186lbs

Weight lost: 49lbs

Goal weight: 150lbs

Weight to lose: 36lbs

Starting waist: 38 inches

Current waist: 31.5 inches

Starting hip: 47 inches
Current hip: 40 inches


In a more  visual way (please excuse my just-washed hair) - top row: 13/06/11 lower row: 23/12/11

Ok, here are two more pictures in my Christmas outfits - sans make-up and hairdo, though (when I think about it, I find it slightly creepy that I post my official pictures in a bikini... yukkkk) - and you can sneak a peak into my wonderful kitchen my wonderful husband built me...

My family is arriving this evening from Hungary, hubby is picking up his boys – we are running a full house until 31^st. So this might be my last post for the year... Will see. I might have to do a quick post about the gifts I’ve got (if David seriously got the hint and managed to get the right things from my “list” – on which he insist on every year)

Have I told you about the massive feast we have 24^th every year? I’m Hungarian and our main Christmas event is Christmas Eve. It’s sacred: public transport stops at 4pm, all offices close midday, everyone heads home to be with their family; and we dress the Christmas Tree on 24^th too. Therefore I always struggled with the Anglo-Saxon way of gallivanting out in pubs and attending parties on the 24^th and have the “main do” on 25^th. For this reason we established this little party of ours every year on 24^th: It’s full of Hungarian food and sweets, traditions (yes, we do open our gifts on 24^th, which is brought by the little baby Jesus, NOT Santa Claus, by the way – he’s got his own day on 6^th December with its own traditions.) and Hungarian booze – including my home made eggnog. So that’s what I’m preparing for all week. I’m on the home stretch now, and the arrival of my mum and two sisters will probably ease the load somewhat. My mom and I always, since I was very little, stayed up very late on 23^rd, like 2-3am in the morning, finishing off all the baking and cooking preparations for the next day, so she had less to do on Christmas eve. I’m kind of looking forward to rekindle that atmosphere again – but this time in my spanking new and big kitchen as opposed to the tiny one in our family home. I’m sure mum will be delighted with this change of scenery too. And nothing makes Christmas as special as a child around the house, so I’m very grateful to have my little nephew with us: he’s just under 5 and his sincere admiration of all thing Christmassy brings out the hidden magic of the festivities.

But what about the title of this post: what it is that I want for Christmas? (beware: some selfishness ahead!)

Well – please don’t hate me for saying this! – some more follower for my blog would be nice! I know, what a vain wish! Also, I do personally admire and love all of you who’s following me currently (BIG THANKS for your time and interest, and for keeping my spirits up and beeping in with so much helpfulness and kindness all the time!!), and I'm well aware that I’m writing this blog mainly to give an outlet to my thoughts (all shapes and sizes) and not to collect an admiring audience... I know. But... It would be nice to see some more faces being interested in what I think and feel and going through. Especially when I see how many people follow those blogs I admire... Is that selfish? Yes, it pretty much sounds selfish... and I’m sorry for that. But I was an awful good girl... So pretty please, Santa???

I would also like to wish all of you a happy and love filled Christmas – please spread some love and joy around, and be kind to Yourselves this Season! It is so important to put ourselves first sometimes – even those of us with families to attend to. Even if it’s just nipping out for a walk on your own, or sneaking down to the gym while everyone else is watching re-runs of Grinch...  And don’t berate yourself too much if an extra helping of Christmas pudding (the most vile thing on earth and will never set foot in my kitchen!) makes its way down your stomach... (please note: I’m not advocating overeating here. Everything in moderation!)

Have a happy-happy Christmas all!

With all my love - Krisztina

Facing facts

I'm not going to meet my Christmas target.
This was my last "official" weigh-in and I fall 6.6 lbs short of 180.
Is it my fault? I bet'cha! Although I'm taking my exercise very seriously and stay under my calorie goal 99% of the days I do sometimes make appallingly bad food choices. They do not creep in on top of my otherwise good food items, they replace them occasionally. Like last Friday: healthy snack were swapped with Krispy Kreme... or half of the dinner with chocolate truffles (yeah, I know it's Christmas...)... You get the picture.

Am I beating myself up about this unmet goal? Yes, somewhat. But nothing like I used to before surgery.
B.S. (before surgery) I would have given up exercise by now and blame my busy Christmas schedule. I would have eaten ALL the chocolate truffles I allow myself to buy once a year, and would be thinking about buying one more batch. I would also have given up my efforts for making good food choices most of the time and would just eat whatever comes to mind or I stumble across during these genuinely busy days.
A.S. (after surgery) I made a commitment to stick to my exercise until the very last: I have two runs this week to complete 2nd week of Bridge to 10K (Monday and Wednesday) and a final Zumba session on Thursday.
I've "only" been eating 3-5 truffles a day from my carefully made selection (like Kir Royal or lemon or blueberry) and not the full load in one go AND they are all accounted for in my food log (and kept within my daily allowance). I'm doing my best to stick to my regular eating regime until the very last day before Christmas, and I probably going to designate two-three days between 24th and 31st when I can eat a bit more freely - the rest will be "usual".

So yes, I'm disappointed that I did not meet my planned Christmas goal. And yes, if I look back to the last 3 months I've only lost 12ish lbs altogether. Which is not great, is it? But then I'm nearly at the 50lbs mark, which IS great; also the fact that I have only 36.6lbs to go to reach my target weight. And all those points above which I'm doing differently will eventually make all the difference - even if I felt somewhat like a failure on the scale this morning. So I'm balancing the two: being incredibly successful on the long term and a disappointment to myself in the short term. But which one is more precious? Which one has the bigger power over my acts and emotions? That again is a choice I need to make consciously: that I will not let my short term failures to effect my long term success. That I will keep my eyes on the ball, even if I want to sit down and cry. Because putting on 0.6lb this week and not meeting my target does make me feel like crying. However, seeing the spark in David's eyes when he saw me in my proposed Christmas outfits cannot fail to bring the trophy home: I'm already winning this game! Every single day! Even if the scale sometimes says otherwise.

Then again: could I have done better? Sure - I could have just banished all those bad food choices I made since October and meet my goal in a jiffy. Would I be much ahead of my game? Probably 8-10lbs. Is that such a big difference? It depends. Did those bad food choices worth not meeting my goal? Well, I might have to admit that I'm occasionally cool with the more scenic route to weight loss so I can allow some not outrageous but less good food appear in my "repertoire". At the end of the day, I don't want to banish baking forever from my life, I love cooking and I like to be able to allow a tiny indulgence (like a truffle) every now and then. I rather get familiar with how to control those portions than going cold turkey on them.

All right, those are my musings to start off the day. I'm planning one last post before Christmas: on the 23rd is my 6 months "surgiversary". I will post my pictures pre-op and 6 months together with some other numbers and festive cheer. I'll might even let you in to my kitchen for a sneak-peak... I have a WONDERFUL kitchen!

Be kind to yourselves!
xoxo

Restriction, hello!

Now, I've never had a problem with my level of restriction in either way.
I had my first fill 6 weeks after my surgery and my second - and last so far - one a month after that. That was early September. I do not know how many "cc" is in my band - I honestly do not care as long as it works. I'm losing fairly slowly but definitely steadily. That what matters to me.

Probably because my Doc does fills only under fluoro, my second fill - I believe - hit the fabled "Sweet Spot": I was perfectly fine with it and he also said he doesn't want to see me for a long time... (isn't that funny to hear from your doctor?). I have been very much aware of my band when I did stray off track (like meeting-room sandwiches and my first PB episode, or breakfast muffin from McD, etc.) And I still don't eat rice and pasta, so I cannot pass judgement on that. Apart from these, all kinds of foods and drinks were going down all right. Sometimes, when I'm in a hurry or don't pay enough attention to chewing my food I do get slightly stuck. But it comes up very quickly and solves the problem. I haven't experienced any discomfort (without PBing) while eating anything what so ever. I do notice early signs when I need to stop for a couple of minutes or when I just have to finish eating - but these are very mild and I could easily "override" them if I chose to. I don't.

But something is changing...
In the last week or so, I found it difficult to eat ANYTHING. For goodness sake, I find it difficult to DRINK! All those (good and safe) foods I got used to eating without any problem since September are giving me grief. And not just foods, but even WATER! Yesterday morning I PBd on chocolate truffles! I haven't been able to finish any measured out meal this week.

This is getting crazy - I just finished my fight with a pear... Yesterday a boiled egg were pissing me off... And I cannot drink anything cold, because it just shuts my stoma and I sit there with a good mouthful of fresh water in my pouch... Which is kind of tricky when on the treadmill.

And it's not even TOM... It just passed AND I do not hold any water - Aquaban takes care of that daily.

So what is it then?

I have my 6 months check up with my Doc in mid January - I wonder what he's going to make of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm plainly curious. And there is a silver lining: if this sudden increase in restriction holds throughout the festive period I do stand a chance not putting on any extra weight during the eating bonanza. That would be sweeeeeeet!

What do you think causes this? Have you experienced anything similarly unexplained appearance of restriction?

Random thoughts on the go...

I just popped into Pret for a coffee before going to the Dorchester Hotel for a Christmas lunch (yep, THE Dorchester)... Good news for calories: they serve tiny little french portions.

There is no way I can eat more than half of the muffin and sip half of the latte... Good news for calories.

Because of this lunch I'm wearing a pretty little black dress I couldn't wear since early 2009... Good news. Full stop.

David called me "jaw droppingly beautiful" this morning (in my dress)... Even better news.

I have another Christmas do today, in a Persian restaurant with work colleagues... Not so good news on calories. I'm a sucker for that type of food- love the dips and stuffed veggies.

I drew my boss for Secret Santa and her gift hasn't arrived yet... VERY bad and embarrassing news.

What's in your snack(crack)-pot?

Here is what I'm snacking on most afternoons:

1. L-Carnitine & ALA
2. Aquaban (gentle Diuretic)
3. Coenzyme Q10 + Vitamin E
4. Korean Ginseng & Ginkgo Biloba
5. Omega3 Fish Oil
6. VitaBand multivitamin (chewable)
7. Pro-biotic Acidophilus

Not on the picture - as I take them at home almost every morning

- chewable iron

- sublingual B12

All the tablets are cut in half by pillcutter - I cannot swallow anything big. The pro-biotic capsule goes down most days - although sometimes I have to empty and mix them into my yoghurt.

Obsessive? Over the top? They keep me going (especially when I have a run to do after work...).

So what do you snack on? Anything strange,  larks' tongues, wrens' livers, chaffinch brains, jaguars' earlobes, wolf nipple chips*? 

* = for those who might wonder: this line is in Life of Brian - one of my favourite guilty pleasure together with  the Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and my personal favourite line from it:

"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. Thppppt!"**

**= I would like to apologise profoundly to any English reader this snippet might have hurt. Hurt was not intended, smiling was intended. However, if you do not get Monty Python's humour you're not even real English so no point getting upset over nothing...***

***= I'm Hungarian AND I married an Englishman. So I do like them. I just REALLY dig the humour of MP.

Have a wonderful week everyone!

The view from my personal hell

I wanted to share this with all of you before embarking on day2 of the 10k programme and expire on the treadmill.

This view keeps me going on bad days.

Bah, humbug!

I'm channelling Ebenezer Scrooge today... 
Is this the flavour of the week or what? So many of you out there were telling us about difficult patches right now. And I like to be there, giving you a virtual hug and telling you to cheer up, because it's all going to go away and you all are going to feel better. 
Now look at normally sparkly, chirpy, always positive and can-do me... Where did that girl go?


I'm trying to hold my pieces together, but find it very difficult. I'm exhausted. I'm moody. I'm aching all over. But mainly tired. So tired. I'd like to check out for a while... (not in a sense of taking my own life, but in a sense of leaving myself behind and going on a carefree holiday.) 
I'm tired of watching what I eat, I'm tired of making 200 good (or less so) food choices a day, I'm tired of walking the dog in the morning, I'm tired of pushing myself through exercise... I just want to curl up on the sofa and not take any notice of the world around me. I really do.

But I cannot. I made a commitment to myself.
I must start digging and come up with some deeply buried, secreted energy and mood reserve to push me through the next couple of days (I'm being optimistic and I'll plan that this rut will not last longer) until I get my usual chirpy mojo back.


The other day I had a somewhat heated forum exchange with another lapband patient who's 4 years post-op and reached her target weight 2 years ago. I've responded to a newbie's post about her band not working and that after 2 fills she can still eat whatever she wants in quantities she wants. Well, I was gentle and factual in my response, but I gave her the low-down on how she should put the work in and not rely 100% on the band. (not doing any work on your own and expecting results from the surgery alone and then complaining that it's not working seems to be the going theme here in England. I'm ashamed of it.) This other lady the "oldie" bandster, nearly shouted my head off saying what a lot of crap is that, as she never learned anything (good eating habits, better relationship with food, importance of exercise, self-regulating your portions, etc.) throughout her 4 years with the gastric band and she still reached her target weight and maintaining it for 2 years now, and the only thing she believes in and relies on is her restriction.
My first thought was - guess what?: "you lucky bitch!"
But, I don't know, maybe her circumstances were so special that she already learnt all those things before and really just needed the restriction, or maybe she's been doing all the right things without realising that she's doing them... I don't know. Do you know any other really successful bandsters who got to their target weight and maintaining without changing anything about their lifestyle?
I'm sorry, I'm digressing from my Scrooge moment...


The reason I mentioned the above incident, because I'd like to be that lady today: not making food decisions, just letting my band stop me when it cannot cope with any more food, not going to the gym tonight to run another 6.75k, not having a nervous breakdown as I'm shunning the scale for two weeks and last night my stomach seemed a bit bigger than before... It would be ideal right about now. 


But then again: no one, absolutely no one is stopping me to do just that. To throw away everything I've learned - even for a while - and just take everything as it comes. It is me, who stops me doing it.
It's going to be me who talks myself onto that treadmill tonight (with the promise of 30 min sauna when I finish - no food rewards in sight!) It's going to be me who makes good decision about my food today (I'm still sipping my breakfast protein shake) and not letting me dive into the office Celebration box... well, maybe just once...
It is me, who's doing this for myself. And even on very difficult and low days like this I must find a way to push myself to do the right things. No one's going to do this to me.


I believe that's the biggest lesson I've learned so far from my band: I can have off days, but I cannot give up fighting the good fight.

This should be my motto:

Disclaimer: I do not "heart" run - I abhor it still. But I keep doing it because it's does good to my body.


A very moody hug for all readers!! Let the Christmas spirits sparkle on your day!