I've done it!

What I meant is catching up with all the blog entries in my reader.
There were 117 of them.
I've done it. I caught up.

(And I also ordered JM Dvd box set - so I can fill my breaks while job hunting. :)

Good night all!

A quick message from the gutter (9 months surgiversary)

Today is my nine month surgiversary.

As every month on the 23rd, D. took the customary pictures  this morning.
See and rejoice:

Upper row: just before my op, bottom row: today

And some number crunching:

Starting weight: 234.6 lbs

Current weight: 172 lbs

Target weight: 150 lbs

Lost: 62.6 lbs; to go: 22 lbs

Starting BMI: 34.5 (obese)

Current BMI: 25.2 (overweight)

Starting waist: 38"

Current waist: 30"

Starting hip: 47"

Current hip: 40"

Well, talking about getting some healthy perspective on life... Hmm. Makes me think. Come, think with me:

- Let's say a year ago Fairy Godmother appeared in front of me and told me that in the next 12 months I can sell my flat, clear some of my debts, get laser eye surgery and - MOST importantly - I can have a gastric band. BUT the price I will have to pay is to lose my job. Would I have still chose all the above?

And the answer is a reassuring and loud YES, PLEASE!

I know I'm in a tricky situation with all this losing my job, having to find a new one in the current economy while keeping up with my financial obligations. That is hard and can overshadow everything else in life.

But then I look at these pictures above, I remember how awful I felt being so fat and that I would have given (nearly) everything to lose those cushions around my body. And although I know the two issues (losing weight and losing my job) have nothing to do with each other, I would still take FGM's deal.

This is "gutter thinking" I know, but at least now I can get some emotional respite and soul-warming thinking that "I'm unemployed, but at least I look good". Yeah, I know, I'm being really shallow here. But please cut me some slack: I desperately need to find pick-me-up thoughts, so I'm even prepared to go for the cheap shots. Like this one above. Because, (even deeper gutter thinking) if I try to imagine the same work-problem happening while I was still so big, then I could just throw up from the awfulness of it.

Now, on a different tangent entirely: looking at the pictures today, it's time for Yours Truly to start putting in some serious muscle exercises... Definition is sourly lacking from my bits - stomach and tights in particular. Unfortunately depression is not conducive to exercising... You just want to sit huddled up in the corner of the sofa staring out of the window for endless hours. At least that's what I do these days. I must find a way to change this. I'm thinking of a Jillian Michaels DVD... or two... Will see, I cannot be flimsy with money at the mo.

Anyway, I now go and catch up with all of your lovely blogs... (still over a 100 to read - again, depression can throw a spanner in my machine in a major way...)

'Till next time!

Have a great weekend! x 

Alive and kicking - or I'm the duck with the silver lining

Does this equation make sense to anyone but me?

+
 =



I'm on different planet.

At least that's how I feel.
I'm feeling completely disconnected from my "old" life-meaning getting up, going to work, dealing with the world as it comes.
I'm fighting depression with all my might! Although I always tried to understand those who are in the grips of depression, for me it always also came down to "just shake it off". So now I even refuse to take the sleeping pills my doc subscribed. That might not be so clever - you supposed to sleep: it aids recovery.

But I cannot stop trying. I'm like the proverbial duck: looking very serene floating on the smooth surface of the water, but underneath she's paddling like crazy to keep the illusion going. That's the duck.

Every day I look at my Google reader and see all the un-read blog entries piling up. As of today, I have over 80 entries from all of you I need to catch up on. I'm so sorry - I just cannot summon the mental strength. But I intend to do so over the weekend. It is down to me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not succumb to all the negativity. I'm pretty sure there is something great and new waiting for me at the end of all this personal and emotional struggle. I just have to make sure I make it.
(no, don't worry. I'm not contemplating checking out. I'm just soooo down.)
But you know what: when you are at the very bottom of a hole, the only way is up.

Through all this I'm - inwardly - collecting a couple of good topics I intend to write about soon. About how stress affected my band, how I can beat it with exercise, and how do I survive on Muller Rice and Pringles on bad days (as nothing else is going down when I'm really down).
All that probably contributed to the silver lining: last Friday weigh-in I was 172.8lbs.... That is the weight I was when I was 16. Happy 16-again to me! :)

On that positive note: I hope all of you are doing great! Please send some positive vibes in my way, if you remember. They will be much appreciated.

Onwards and downwards bunnies!