Does this equation make sense to anyone but me?
I'm on different planet.
At least that's how I feel.
I'm feeling completely disconnected from my "old" life-meaning getting up, going to work, dealing with the world as it comes.
I'm fighting depression with all my might! Although I always tried to understand those who are in the grips of depression, for me it always also came down to "just shake it off". So now I even refuse to take the sleeping pills my doc subscribed. That might not be so clever - you supposed to sleep: it aids recovery.
But I cannot stop trying. I'm like the proverbial duck: looking very serene floating on the smooth surface of the water, but underneath she's paddling like crazy to keep the illusion going. That's the duck.
Every day I look at my Google reader and see all the un-read blog entries piling up. As of today, I have over 80 entries from all of you I need to catch up on. I'm so sorry - I just cannot summon the mental strength. But I intend to do so over the weekend. It is down to me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not succumb to all the negativity. I'm pretty sure there is something great and new waiting for me at the end of all this personal and emotional struggle.
(no, don't worry. I'm not contemplating checking out. I'm just soooo down.)
But you know what: when you are at the very bottom of a hole, the only way is up.
Through all this I'm - inwardly - collecting a couple of good topics I intend to write about soon. About how stress affected my band, how I can beat it with exercise, and how do I survive on Muller Rice and Pringles on bad days (as nothing else is going down when I'm really down).
All that probably contributed to the silver lining: last Friday weigh-in I was 172.8lbs.... That is the weight I was when I was 16. Happy 16-again to me! :)
On that positive note: I hope all of you are doing great! Please send some positive vibes in my way, if you remember. They will be much appreciated.
Onwards and downwards bunnies!