I don’t deserve my band.
I’m awful and lazy and careless and irresponsible and … and… and…
I don’t even care how I’ve got here.
I don’t know what happened to responsible, disciplined and committed me who used to be successful and proud. I lost her somewhere around last summer, and I cannot seem to find her.
I know this is not a helpful feeling, but I cannot help myself: I despise my performance around food lately. And I should add, that “lately” is much-much better then it was 4-6 months ago…
I just miss being disciplined, I miss making good decisions, I miss committing to exercise – and I reap all the unwanted rewards of missing all these things.
It seriously feels like “old me” ate “new me” and now she’s in charge of my life again: I hate looking at my body in the mirror, I cover myself up even when I sit on the sofa, I don’t feel pretty and sexy any more. I feel like “old me” – the person I believed I left behind on the operating table in June 2011.
Did I mention that I’m dreading the good weather, as all the pretty clothes I wore last summer would hardly fit me right now? Well, here I mention this.
I don’t want to beat myself up because that’s not helpful, neither it is effective.
I just want to find my mojo again. I just want to be “new me” again.
But I feel useless and helpless. And I don’t believe anyone can help me. And I feel ashamed too.
I have the commitment of succeeding buried deep down inside me – I can feel the drive. But I don’t feel that I have the power to unearth this commitment/drive and act on it as long as I have to. Basically forever. I suck with forever… I cannot quantify it.
I feel like the future me is someone much stronger, disciplined, have more free time and willpower – so I’m entrusting all the hard stuff for her to do. But then future comes – as it did now – and it turns out future me is just the same, struggling with time, willpower and bad decisions. And we are now compounding the misery of our future-future us…
I need to do some serious head-work to cut through this grey and pitiful mental state and ready myself for the summer… They say it is always darkest just before dawn… I hope me writing again and pouring out my inner turmoil because I cannot stand it any longer is the sign of dawn approaching… Or I’m doomed.
Happy Thursday everyone!