I've done it!

What I meant is catching up with all the blog entries in my reader.
There were 117 of them.
I've done it. I caught up.

(And I also ordered JM Dvd box set - so I can fill my breaks while job hunting. :)

Good night all!

A quick message from the gutter (9 months surgiversary)

Today is my nine month surgiversary.

As every month on the 23rd, D. took the customary pictures  this morning.
See and rejoice:

Upper row: just before my op, bottom row: today

And some number crunching:

Starting weight: 234.6 lbs

Current weight: 172 lbs

Target weight: 150 lbs

Lost: 62.6 lbs; to go: 22 lbs

Starting BMI: 34.5 (obese)

Current BMI: 25.2 (overweight)

Starting waist: 38"

Current waist: 30"

Starting hip: 47"

Current hip: 40"

Well, talking about getting some healthy perspective on life... Hmm. Makes me think. Come, think with me:

- Let's say a year ago Fairy Godmother appeared in front of me and told me that in the next 12 months I can sell my flat, clear some of my debts, get laser eye surgery and - MOST importantly - I can have a gastric band. BUT the price I will have to pay is to lose my job. Would I have still chose all the above?

And the answer is a reassuring and loud YES, PLEASE!

I know I'm in a tricky situation with all this losing my job, having to find a new one in the current economy while keeping up with my financial obligations. That is hard and can overshadow everything else in life.

But then I look at these pictures above, I remember how awful I felt being so fat and that I would have given (nearly) everything to lose those cushions around my body. And although I know the two issues (losing weight and losing my job) have nothing to do with each other, I would still take FGM's deal.

This is "gutter thinking" I know, but at least now I can get some emotional respite and soul-warming thinking that "I'm unemployed, but at least I look good". Yeah, I know, I'm being really shallow here. But please cut me some slack: I desperately need to find pick-me-up thoughts, so I'm even prepared to go for the cheap shots. Like this one above. Because, (even deeper gutter thinking) if I try to imagine the same work-problem happening while I was still so big, then I could just throw up from the awfulness of it.

Now, on a different tangent entirely: looking at the pictures today, it's time for Yours Truly to start putting in some serious muscle exercises... Definition is sourly lacking from my bits - stomach and tights in particular. Unfortunately depression is not conducive to exercising... You just want to sit huddled up in the corner of the sofa staring out of the window for endless hours. At least that's what I do these days. I must find a way to change this. I'm thinking of a Jillian Michaels DVD... or two... Will see, I cannot be flimsy with money at the mo.

Anyway, I now go and catch up with all of your lovely blogs... (still over a 100 to read - again, depression can throw a spanner in my machine in a major way...)

'Till next time!

Have a great weekend! x 

Alive and kicking - or I'm the duck with the silver lining

Does this equation make sense to anyone but me?

+
 =



I'm on different planet.

At least that's how I feel.
I'm feeling completely disconnected from my "old" life-meaning getting up, going to work, dealing with the world as it comes.
I'm fighting depression with all my might! Although I always tried to understand those who are in the grips of depression, for me it always also came down to "just shake it off". So now I even refuse to take the sleeping pills my doc subscribed. That might not be so clever - you supposed to sleep: it aids recovery.

But I cannot stop trying. I'm like the proverbial duck: looking very serene floating on the smooth surface of the water, but underneath she's paddling like crazy to keep the illusion going. That's the duck.

Every day I look at my Google reader and see all the un-read blog entries piling up. As of today, I have over 80 entries from all of you I need to catch up on. I'm so sorry - I just cannot summon the mental strength. But I intend to do so over the weekend. It is down to me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not succumb to all the negativity. I'm pretty sure there is something great and new waiting for me at the end of all this personal and emotional struggle. I just have to make sure I make it.
(no, don't worry. I'm not contemplating checking out. I'm just soooo down.)
But you know what: when you are at the very bottom of a hole, the only way is up.

Through all this I'm - inwardly - collecting a couple of good topics I intend to write about soon. About how stress affected my band, how I can beat it with exercise, and how do I survive on Muller Rice and Pringles on bad days (as nothing else is going down when I'm really down).
All that probably contributed to the silver lining: last Friday weigh-in I was 172.8lbs.... That is the weight I was when I was 16. Happy 16-again to me! :)

On that positive note: I hope all of you are doing great! Please send some positive vibes in my way, if you remember. They will be much appreciated.

Onwards and downwards bunnies!

I'm not MIA...

...but I'm facing redundancy at work.
It's fair to say it's shocking and I need to dig into details.
And find a new job - that's my finest focus.
The biggest challenge in this is not to revert back to all the comfort eating I used to do in stressful situations. I cannot afford to slide back on my weight loss and give myself more reasons to be miserable and depressed. I'M NOT DOING THAT!

Wish me luck in all these adventures - I need all the positivity the Universe can possibly send my way.

Sent from my iPhone

Fluke? or luck?

Ok, I know that I said in my Tuesday post that I'd like to get into the 170s this week. As I was 180.8 on Tuesday morning I expected - hoped for - to see something around 179.8-ish this morning. Just enough to give me a buzz about the first two digits and help me clamp down on WFG (Weekend Fat Girl) for the upcoming lazy/booky/cooky weekend with D.

Guess what?
179.8 did not happen....
.
.
.
177.4 happened.

I fall of the scale. David was waking up asking - as he always do, bless him: "Are we cheering?" If I say yes, then ensues a big cuddle-and-cheer in our messed up morning bed. If I say "no" then ensues a supportive pep-talk about how well I've done so far and this is just a blip.

But today I was so stumped, that I answered: "I don't know. It might be a fluke." 3.4lbs in 3 days? Seriously?

Don't get me wrong, I'm far from complaining. I'm shocked. I don't know what to think.
I ate normal, I did yoga twice, I run 5k once. I drank my water and took my vitamins. So all seemed normal. Well, I just chalk it up for one of those unexpected little surprises Life presents us with - but many times we don't even remember them when in a dark mood or struggling. I shall come back here and read how I felt this morning next time I feel like a weight loss failure.

But boy, isn't it wonderful being in the 170s?? Ahhhh.....

Tonight is movie night with sis: The Lady in Black. We do love our scary movies, D cannot stand them. So we kept this habit of going off and watch scare/gore/etc. just the two of us. I love it. I suspect there's going to some candy or ice cream involved... But I will keep it real - there is not even 10lbs to go to reach "normal" BMI. Oh, how wonderful that will be!

Yoga weekend

I used to do yoga when I was living in Albania, and – thanks to the teacher there – I’ve got both really hooked on the idea and left very disappointed ever since when I tried any yoga courses here in the UK.

Well, let me pre-empt: not this time! Round about 4.30pm on Saturday, in the middle of my right triangle pose the realisation of how good this is and how much I missed the “proper” way of doing yoga hit me so hard that I had to swallow my tears back. It was rather poignant and enlightening. I fell in love with yoga again. I'm still so blissed out following the weekend retreat that you could make me catch butterflies!

The venue was a massive surprise. I know they are a well-known and worldwide charitable organisation, but I did not expect the standard of the place to be so high. It was immaculate, huge, very well furnished and most of all welcoming and lovely! And all this bang in the middle of Putney, London. Here is their link, if you are interested (they have both urban yoga centres and yoga ashrams all around the globe): Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Centres

It started at 10.30 on Saturday morning. And it was so thorough and enjoyable: we had 90 minutes yoga first thing, then relaxation, then lunch (protein shake for moi, vegetarian meal for everyone else), then an hour walk by the Thames, then we got acquainted with the principals of yogic life, then another 90 minutes yoga. The day ended with a satsang (30 minutes of silent meditation, meditative chanting of mantras and an easy-to-follow lecture on yoga philosophy or psychology). The same again on Sunday.

What really got me is that everyone, teachers, guest speakers, kitchen staff, shop attendant, everyone is working there on complete voluntary basis and they still manage to run a really swanky and effective operation! That might be an odd statement, but I myself work for a charity in a paid position and I know how much more we can achieve if we could rely more on voluntary work. However, volunteers – as far as our operation manager is concerned and convinced – are inherently unreliable when it comes to scheduling work. Hmm, my experience over the weekend was completely contrary to that. Something we might learn from...

Much more exciting: I did the Crow pose. This one:

I didn't look this cool and collected

I know!!! How you wonder! I couldn't believe it myself. I’m not telling you it wasn’t a struggle, because it was. Huuuuge struggle, and it was mostly in my mind. You know that “I definitely, most positively, 1000% cannot do this, EVER”-feeling. Well, I couldn't. Until our wonderful instructor, Shiva Pria put her finger in front of me, told me focus on it and forget all else, just keep focusing and putting my weight on my hand.... and ta-dah::: there I was in the crow for two seconds. Now that’s what I call a real life NSV!!!

We also learned various breathing techniques, basic meditation practices, chants. It was just a wonderful, wonderful thing to get immersed in right in the middle of normal daily life without having to leave hubby behind for a week. I'm definitely will be going to their Alps ashram as soon as I can for a week or so, and it’s down to David to make up his mind to come with me. He actually mentioned – completely out of the blue – that he’d like to learn yoga. I think I know what we are going to be doing a Saturday afternoon soon: I’m taking him for a free open beginners class. Mark my words!

David, stop reading!
(However, I’m not sure if it’s a such a good idea introducing your other half to yoga... I did this while in Albania, with my ex. I practically pulled him to a yoga class in 2004. Last time I heard, he was resident in an ashram in India. I kid you not!!)

All right, enough of my ravings about yoga – you go and try it! You might be surprised.

Peace for all! 

Oh, I nearly forgot: I signed up for a level 2 retreat weekend in two weeks time – no stopping me!

Sure-fire way to stop WFG (Weekend Fat Girl)

I didn’t cook dinner of Friday. David was picking up his ‘boys’ (sorry, I had to put that in apostrophes as they are both over 6 feet tall now and sprouting all kinds of facial hair, so not really boys any more, right?) So on his way home he picked up a proper British fish-and-chips from the corner. I wasn’t too hungry, but he offered me some and I took a chip from his plate and a tiny bit of fish (not the batter, just the fish meat). Then I took another bite – then another... He even made a snide little comment of me eating all his fish... I wish he said instead “slow down”. That I would have gotten. But snide comments make me even more furious with eating (yeah, still a lot to work on my head-band). So I took a couple of more bites.

And that’s when it happened: a Stuck from Hell!!!

I’ve never felt anything like this before. I was very near to panicking.

I was cool to start with – I took myself off to the loo to let the offending piece of food come up, which it did (aka. Step 1)
But the sliming just kept going on. So I repeated step 1.
Then again.
Then again.
And again.
And I kept doing this all evening, from 8 until 11.

Halfway through I thought I try the papaya enzyme trick, which I used successfully several times before. Nope, not this time. Just more slime.
So I went to bed, hoping that I don’t go to sleep still stuck.

The scary thing was that normally, when something needs to come back up due to fast eating or non-chewing or bad food choice, it comes up (nearly) by itself and it never leaves a throw-up feeling or taste in my mouth/gut. Not this time. Round about 10pm I was still frequently visiting our lovely en-suite (also thanks to my beloved’s remodelling efforts in 2010, it looks like a 5* hotel’s) and puking up bits of fish&chips, but now it felt like they come from “behind”: that they passed the band and they are coming up from underneath, as it tasted and felt like proper “old style” throwing up. On that point I panicked.
Let me tell you why:
I don’t have a doctor here. My doc is at Hungary. I cannot just run to him to ask if everything is all right. And I’m scared to death that I will do something stupid and “cause” a slippage or some such issue. If he was here I’d be sitting in his office right now, demanding a fluoro to make sure my band is still fine and in the correct position. But I can’t. So I had to meditate some on my experience, and then pray that I didn’t cause lasting damage.

Around midnight the pain – did I mention that I was in constant pain? All the way through I felt like an alien is hatching behind my chest – eased some, I chew two antacids and went to bed: it was early wake up on Saturday due to the non-residential yoga retreat... I was still in some pain in the morning, so I ruled out solids for the whole weekend. I existed on protein shakes, milk, herbal tea and water.
... BUT it was all fine, as I was busy doing yoga all weekend, from sunup to sundown. It was actually so good, that I’m doing it again in two weeks time on a level 2 weekend retreat. Yey!

By Sunday evening, I was fine again.

Yesterday I binge eat all kind of nasty staff (like half a bag of tortilla chips, Magnum Mini, Kitkat chunky white choc...) and I had oven baked (but fairly dry) chicken for dinner.
But Scale God did reward me 180 this morning – holy cow! I haven’t been 180 (82kg, 12st12lb) since I was 20 years old! I definitely had a spring in my step coming to work this morning.

Have a great week all of ya’!