Sure-fire way to stop WFG (Weekend Fat Girl)

I didn’t cook dinner of Friday. David was picking up his ‘boys’ (sorry, I had to put that in apostrophes as they are both over 6 feet tall now and sprouting all kinds of facial hair, so not really boys any more, right?) So on his way home he picked up a proper British fish-and-chips from the corner. I wasn’t too hungry, but he offered me some and I took a chip from his plate and a tiny bit of fish (not the batter, just the fish meat). Then I took another bite – then another... He even made a snide little comment of me eating all his fish... I wish he said instead “slow down”. That I would have gotten. But snide comments make me even more furious with eating (yeah, still a lot to work on my head-band). So I took a couple of more bites.

And that’s when it happened: a Stuck from Hell!!!

I’ve never felt anything like this before. I was very near to panicking.

I was cool to start with – I took myself off to the loo to let the offending piece of food come up, which it did (aka. Step 1)
But the sliming just kept going on. So I repeated step 1.
Then again.
Then again.
And again.
And I kept doing this all evening, from 8 until 11.

Halfway through I thought I try the papaya enzyme trick, which I used successfully several times before. Nope, not this time. Just more slime.
So I went to bed, hoping that I don’t go to sleep still stuck.

The scary thing was that normally, when something needs to come back up due to fast eating or non-chewing or bad food choice, it comes up (nearly) by itself and it never leaves a throw-up feeling or taste in my mouth/gut. Not this time. Round about 10pm I was still frequently visiting our lovely en-suite (also thanks to my beloved’s remodelling efforts in 2010, it looks like a 5* hotel’s) and puking up bits of fish&chips, but now it felt like they come from “behind”: that they passed the band and they are coming up from underneath, as it tasted and felt like proper “old style” throwing up. On that point I panicked.
Let me tell you why:
I don’t have a doctor here. My doc is at Hungary. I cannot just run to him to ask if everything is all right. And I’m scared to death that I will do something stupid and “cause” a slippage or some such issue. If he was here I’d be sitting in his office right now, demanding a fluoro to make sure my band is still fine and in the correct position. But I can’t. So I had to meditate some on my experience, and then pray that I didn’t cause lasting damage.

Around midnight the pain – did I mention that I was in constant pain? All the way through I felt like an alien is hatching behind my chest – eased some, I chew two antacids and went to bed: it was early wake up on Saturday due to the non-residential yoga retreat... I was still in some pain in the morning, so I ruled out solids for the whole weekend. I existed on protein shakes, milk, herbal tea and water.
... BUT it was all fine, as I was busy doing yoga all weekend, from sunup to sundown. It was actually so good, that I’m doing it again in two weeks time on a level 2 weekend retreat. Yey!

By Sunday evening, I was fine again.

Yesterday I binge eat all kind of nasty staff (like half a bag of tortilla chips, Magnum Mini, Kitkat chunky white choc...) and I had oven baked (but fairly dry) chicken for dinner.
But Scale God did reward me 180 this morning – holy cow! I haven’t been 180 (82kg, 12st12lb) since I was 20 years old! I definitely had a spring in my step coming to work this morning.

Have a great week all of ya’!

I do have a band! (or email blogging s**ks)

I did try to do a post last night using email blogging... did not really work: half of my message was ignored, which made the post completely redundant... Sorry for all who wondered. This is the full version of what I meant to say:

--------------------------------------------------

These are my first ever cookies.
Yes, I'm 36 and never baked cookies before - growing up we didn't know about them behind the Iron Curtain, and here in England they are just not such big a deal as biscuits.
But David loves them and I blame Pinterest for giving me the idea of trying...
So, tonight I baked my first ever chocolate chip cookies:

As you can see, one of them is missing from the corner... Guess what happened to it?

It ended up in the loo... well, after a flying visit in my pouch... I tried the my historical first ever cookie, and it did not go down... But it was DELICIOUS! Thank you Band! 

--------------------------------------------

Added for the edited version: but the 3 more after dinner DID go down... at 221kcal each (calculated on MFP by adding up the whole recipe) they perked up my daily intake quite a lot. Thank heavens for the 5k run earlier that afternoon! 

And Scale monster was gracious this morning too: 181.2! 

Next week's challenge: breaking into the 170s! (Oh, how I lovvvve the sound of that!)

Tomorrow and Sunday is yoga weekend. I will report back on that experience on Monday.

Have a lovely weekend everyone! 

And try not to ruin your great weekly work by letting the weekend fatty out - that's what I will focus on doing this weekend.

TRMP

(Totally Random Monday Post)

I do not like chocolate, but today I'm on my third Nestle Aero Biscuits, and it's not even 4pm.
I had only left around a 100kcal for dinner... Mind you, I'm going running after work and I'm hardly ever hungry after that. So it MIGHT work out, only if I could stop munching on these choccies. Ahhh.... I don't know what the hell is going on. Hand on heart, Nestle (and companions) could easily shut down as much as I care about their products, but today I cannot seems to stop. I'm inhaling it. Ohh, never mind - there is another day tomorrow.

This weekend is my urban yoga retreat weekend. I haven't done yoga in the last two years, and I really miss it. My doc gave me the all clear for all the funny poses which will inevitably stretch my midsection where my port is located, so it must be fine. I opted for non-residential weekend, but it means at least 3 hours of travel on Saturday and Sunday (there is no parking at the yoga place and London transport sucks at weekends). None the less, I'm really looking forward to it! Two day non-stop yoga between 10.30 and 6pm, followed by a 90 minutes guided meditation. I might just get enlightened by next Monday, if not it will be a great workout. We'll see.

This one is for our precious and much loved Trisha - she will know:

I nicked it from my latest obsession - Pinterest. 

I know!!! It's really addictive! There should be a maximum time they allow you to spend on the site... Then you should be locked out for 24 hours. It's like  a black hole for time... If you don't know what I'm on about, do go and check it out. But be warned...!

Lately I'm having mental/emotional issues with the fact that I'm nearly at my sister's weight. And she used to be the "thin" one in the family. (we are not a family of skinny people, so this is fairly relative) I just have no concept of how I and mine will feel when that changes. It's frankly scary. I do hope she will not start to resent me for taking over her laurels. I do contemplate a lot on this, but I swore to myself I will not build up a subconscious mental block against losing more just because of this. It could easily happen, but this time I'm aware of it and countering it with compassionate thoughts. It's hard work none the less.

Work got really busy lately. Which is a double edge sword, as on one hand I always love being busy and meeting deadlines, on the other I miss my days in the office when I could catch up on Biggest Loser and do great deal of meaningful blog- and forum writing. I still find time in my lunch break to read all your blogs daily. It seems many of us are currently suffering from writers' block - must be the time of year.

Tomorrow Archie is going to be unmanned (neutered). He's over 4 years old, but lately he was getting really out of hand with his territorial behaviours. So after many years of contemplating, agreeing, then changing his mind, David finally booked him in for the procedure. What is it with man not wanting their dogs to be done? Honestly, it comes across as their bits getting snipped, not the dogs'... Weird. Anyway, I hope it does not change his personality (not David's, the dog's) - he is such a funny little creature.

I think that's all I can manage today. I hope my braincells will light up again soon.

Have a lovely week all!

I endulged my inner hampster

...as far as running on the spot goes:
I completed my first 5k run of 2012!

You're saying it's nearly February? Well spotted! I've been having major issues getting back on my running plan after the burnout before Christmas. Lesson learned: no point pushing extreme boundaries- that might lead to delays in long term achievements.

Happy Monday!

Sent from my iPhone

One for the weekend

Have a great one!
K.

I've never been there (Skinny-Land)

I wish you could see into my head. There are meaningful and important thoughts and thought chains in there (sometimes) which I'd so love to share, but somehow they never come out as pretty and concise as they look while I'm thinking about them. None the less, I try:

I had a lot of quite time over the weekend (I'm soooo grateful for that!) and I had a chance to dig a bit deeper into a mind-issue which I think might be (and previously always has been) hindering my weight-loss:

the unknown territory of Skinny-Land. 

At the moment I'm at 188lbs, and - apart from the freak incident just before Christmas (186) - this is my lowest adult weight. I've been here before when I was actively performing and training as a belly dancer, and I still remember those years as the best I felt and looked and the most I enjoyed my life (minus David, of course - a dancing carrier is not conducive with stable relationships, but that's a different topic and I do not want to digress). Back then I very occasionally thought about my weight, but I was VERY happy where I was and how I looked, so dieting or losing weight weren't at all on my mind.

But I've never been lighter/skinnier/"normaler" than this. I do not know how that might feel. I do not know what to expect. I do not know if I can get there... and all these unknown factors are freaking me out BIG WAY.
Let me give you some more example: back in 2007-2008 I've been doing Slimming World with considerable success to start with. I've lost over 2 stones (28lbs) between August and December 2007. I was over the moon! I practically maxed out my finances buying nice size 14-12 clothes (in UK size... I think they are 10-12 in US sizes). I was revived and I enjoyed all the compliments came my way. But that was it: after reaching the exact same weight as my "race weight" I stopped. And - in retrospective - I cannot blame the diet system: it was all me. Somehow, when I reached that point something clicked in my head saying: well done, girl - you ARRIVED! And from that point onwards I become so lax with my diet that there was no chance in hell I could lose any more. Even though I wanted to. I wanted very much! I had motivation: our wedding was coming up. Nope. Nothing helped. Eventually it lead me to abandoning Slimming World and slowly gaining back all the weight I lost. Then I tried again with Weight Watchers. And the same thing happened - all the way to me gaining back every ounce I lost.

So now, being here in the higher end of 180s, I cannot help but wonder - and freak out: what if this is going to happen again? What if I stall again? (I have: this is the first month since my surgery when I did not register any net loss. I actually gained net 2lbs in the last 30 days) What if I cannot push through this, just as I couldn't so many times before? What if this is my "bottom weight"?

I have a goal of 150lbs in my mind. That's my target. The question is: how can I believe in it?
I do not have the crutch of relying on past experience lower than my current weight. So far I could always conjure up those dancing images, the clothes I used to wear (not just the costumes, but my everyday clothes) and how it felt being at that weight. And that helped a lot, as I knew from experience that I can be that weight. I used that past experience to help me get here.

Now I'm here (again) - but where to now? I do not have the real life image of me at 150... I do not know what kind of clothes will fit me when I get there. I do not know how will it feel being 150... And I feel this "blank" in my mind is stopping me from breaking under this weight. I don't know how to put this so I can make you understand more how I feel... It is bloody awful! A so far unknown fear is gripping me when I think about this. The fear of not being successful in regards of  reaching my target weight. Sometimes it's so bad that I feel paralysed in my mind: when it gets into my focus I cannot "look away" and cheer myself up.
I don't know if I can do it - as I've never done it before. That's basically what it boils down to - as silly as it sounds. Like I'm facing a brick wall and I have no idea if I'll be able to break through it. I find myself staring at the wall, immobilized by the uncertainty regarding my capability for dealing with it.
I'm not sure if I at all suppose to break through it. All this talk about losing over 50% of your excess weight is great result, and BMI numbers are ambiguous at best... dah-dah-dah - all this talk starts up a little voice in my head (as it did before) telling me that I'm actually fine where I am and that's it anyway. But I do not think I'm fine where I am. I want to get rid of that final 38lbs. I want to see 150 on the scale. I want to be "skinny" (relatively) and "normal" (according to BMI and my own views) for once! I want all that!

But the fear of not knowing what awaits me there, the fear of not knowing if I can or should go there and the fear of failure from previous attempts make me look and feel like a deer in the headlights: just staring there wide eyed, frozen to the road, unmoving.

Do I make any sense? I so hope that I do!
Anyone can relate? Anyone have any advice how to tackle this? I'm desperate for input so I can collect myself and focus on moving on... Currently I feel I'm stuck to this point. But I SOOOOO want to move on!

Hugs,
K.

I'm sad and disappointed - but I know why

I'm back from Budapest and meeting with my Doc.
It was an interesting experience again sitting in his waiting room. This time I wasn't overhearing unsuccessful weight-loss stories, but the pro's and con's of various Christian churches and their interpretation of the Bible... Don't ask.  I was grateful to be called in first...
Doc started again telling me I'm getting pretty "slim"... I don't like when he's telling me that. Working with so many overweight and obese people day in-day out, I believe he's point of view got slightly screwed throughout the years, and now he thinks me being 5'9.25" and 190lbs is actually a good place to be. I don't agree. I still want to lose this last 40lbs. I'm determined, even if he doesn't encourage it.
Credit where credit's due: he still doesn't want to stop me having fills if needed. After establishing that all my insides look fine, no scratches or dilation of oesophagus, everything looks just as it should, he said he could actually give me a very tiny fill if I want it. My response was: "Well, you are the expert - I take what you give me and do as I'm told." So taking into account my recent experience in tightness, and the fact that if the smudge of a fill pushes me over to the "too tight" side I will need to organise another round trip to Hungary, we decided that I'm just fine where I am. And I'm happy with that decision. And I'll do my best to work it - or I fly back for that "tiny fill" any time I want (and can afford the tickets).
Funny though, my appointment was first thing in the morning, and all day after this I could not keep proper food down. Even my pain killers come flying up in the middle of the street. It felt like Life is giving me a presentation of why the decision of not getting a fill was the right one. I've got the message, thanks!

Painkillers.... My best friends currently. I've done my back in really badly Monday morning while doing my bed. Serves me right: if I stay at a hotel instead of my mum's, it would have been taken care of by the lovely housekeepers and my back would still be fine. As it stands I'm currently laying on my yoga mat in the middle of the living room, trying to crane my neck to see the screen - I'm still in absolute agony. Against all odds, I did get ready for work this morning - and made it half way in. I then had to admit defeat, turn around, get home and collapse on the floor. I don't like to miss work, but I could barely walk.
The sad thing is this pain now puts a halt on my exercises. I was going to do Zumba and a weight training tonight. Forget that! And my long run tomorrow. Unless I'm willing to crawl the 5k...
If you top it with my 6lbs gain (probably caused by flying water retention) you can see why my mood is slightly jaded.

Oh, and this just hit me: because of this "gain" I will now lose $10 to David when I check in for my weekly report on Stickk...

I hope all of you are having a lovely day - send some smiley thoughts if you would, I really need them right now!

(afterthought: Am I PMSing? Or what the hell is this doom&gloom???)