Weight loss tracker

Monday, 23 January 2012

I've never been there (Skinny-Land)

I wish you could see into my head. There are meaningful and important thoughts and thought chains in there (sometimes) which I'd so love to share, but somehow they never come out as pretty and concise as they look while I'm thinking about them. None the less, I try:

I had a lot of quite time over the weekend (I'm soooo grateful for that!) and I had a chance to dig a bit deeper into a mind-issue which I think might be (and previously always has been) hindering my weight-loss:
the unknown territory of Skinny-Land. 

At the moment I'm at 188lbs, and - apart from the freak incident just before Christmas (186) - this is my lowest adult weight. I've been here before when I was actively performing and training as a belly dancer, and I still remember those years as the best I felt and looked and the most I enjoyed my life (minus David, of course - a dancing carrier is not conducive with stable relationships, but that's a different topic and I do not want to digress). Back then I very occasionally thought about my weight, but I was VERY happy where I was and how I looked, so dieting or losing weight weren't at all on my mind.


But I've never been lighter/skinnier/"normaler" than this. I do not know how that might feel. I do not know what to expect. I do not know if I can get there... and all these unknown factors are freaking me out BIG WAY.
Let me give you some more example: back in 2007-2008 I've been doing Slimming World with considerable success to start with. I've lost over 2 stones (28lbs) between August and December 2007. I was over the moon! I practically maxed out my finances buying nice size 14-12 clothes (in UK size... I think they are 10-12 in US sizes). I was revived and I enjoyed all the compliments came my way. But that was it: after reaching the exact same weight as my "race weight" I stopped. And - in retrospective - I cannot blame the diet system: it was all me. Somehow, when I reached that point something clicked in my head saying: well done, girl - you ARRIVED! And from that point onwards I become so lax with my diet that there was no chance in hell I could lose any more. Even though I wanted to. I wanted very much! I had motivation: our wedding was coming up. Nope. Nothing helped. Eventually it lead me to abandoning Slimming World and slowly gaining back all the weight I lost. Then I tried again with Weight Watchers. And the same thing happened - all the way to me gaining back every ounce I lost.

So now, being here in the higher end of 180s, I cannot help but wonder - and freak out: what if this is going to happen again? What if I stall again? (I have: this is the first month since my surgery when I did not register any net loss. I actually gained net 2lbs in the last 30 days) What if I cannot push through this, just as I couldn't so many times before? What if this is my "bottom weight"?

I have a goal of 150lbs in my mind. That's my target. The question is: how can I believe in it?
I do not have the crutch of relying on past experience lower than my current weight. So far I could always conjure up those dancing images, the clothes I used to wear (not just the costumes, but my everyday clothes) and how it felt being at that weight. And that helped a lot, as I knew from experience that I can be that weight. I used that past experience to help me get here.

Now I'm here (again) - but where to now? I do not have the real life image of me at 150... I do not know what kind of clothes will fit me when I get there. I do not know how will it feel being 150... And I feel this "blank" in my mind is stopping me from breaking under this weight. I don't know how to put this so I can make you understand more how I feel... It is bloody awful! A so far unknown fear is gripping me when I think about this. The fear of not being successful in regards of  reaching my target weight. Sometimes it's so bad that I feel paralysed in my mind: when it gets into my focus I cannot "look away" and cheer myself up.
I don't know if I can do it - as I've never done it before. That's basically what it boils down to - as silly as it sounds. Like I'm facing a brick wall and I have no idea if I'll be able to break through it. I find myself staring at the wall, immobilized by the uncertainty regarding my capability for dealing with it.
I'm not sure if I at all suppose to break through it. All this talk about losing over 50% of your excess weight is great result, and BMI numbers are ambiguous at best... dah-dah-dah - all this talk starts up a little voice in my head (as it did before) telling me that I'm actually fine where I am and that's it anyway. But I do not think I'm fine where I am. I want to get rid of that final 38lbs. I want to see 150 on the scale. I want to be "skinny" (relatively) and "normal" (according to BMI and my own views) for once! I want all that!

But the fear of not knowing what awaits me there, the fear of not knowing if I can or should go there and the fear of failure from previous attempts make me look and feel like a deer in the headlights: just staring there wide eyed, frozen to the road, unmoving.

Do I make any sense? I so hope that I do!
Anyone can relate? Anyone have any advice how to tackle this? I'm desperate for input so I can collect myself and focus on moving on... Currently I feel I'm stuck to this point. But I SOOOOO want to move on!

Hugs,
K.

1 comment:

trisha said...

girl, you ALWAYS make sense to me - be of course we have parralleling mental states so that prob helps a little... LOL

Wish I had advice for you - but I feel the same way, except I am way further than you from being able to even think about being that close to that person that I've never seen!

I loveeeee when you post pics from when you danced! so fabulous and neat!!!