I do not have consecutive thoughts - just random ramblings. It's nearly 11pm and well passed my bedtime...
...however, I just fixed a playdate with my BFF Kata for July and it will include a glorious day spent on the beach. Well, Hungary being land-locked country that's a bit of an over statement, but we have faboulous open air pool-facilities we call them "strand": all kinds and sizes of pools for all tastes, a lot of grassy area where you supposed to soak up the sun and get great tan. A year or so ago this summary of mine would have included "and funky food joints", but instead of that, this year it includes this:
I ordered it from Nordstrom and paying a fortune in shipping and customs, but I just fall in love... (Must not tell David!) And I needed a bikini as all the old ones look like I'm wearing my Gran's undies and I've been hunting for ages without much luck. But this one did it: it was love at first sight. Because I'm a bikini kind of girl. I always was, so when last September I was told not to expose my surgery scars to any sunlight while on holiday in Egypt I had to buy two swimsuits and a tankini. They will be passed on to sis or a friend, because I cannot suffer to wear them any more. But look at this one: doesn't it melt your heart??? It did mine. I can't wait to expose my pasty skin to some mid-July Hungarian sunshine and trot this beauty around the pools.
Have I told you I'm an introvert? No? Well, I am. A fact, hard to reconcile with the above lines or the fact that I used to be a belly dancer... Every night, every performance was a massive inner struggle for me: a big part of me hated going out every night, being watched and judged by all-and-sundry. But I LOOOOVED dancing and wearing those fab costumes. So I never failed to convince myself to give in to my tiny little extrovert-self and go out in skimpy dancing outfits. I actually stumbled upon a couple of old negative rolls from my old dancing days - I should have them developed into digital and entertain you with a few. Let me think about this. .... and I'm completely off on a tangent... typical late night blogging.
On the topic of being introvert and having a funny mindset on how I think people think about me, here is an interesting snippet - WLS related:
I unearthed a really unhealthy subconscious attitude/behaviour within my fragile little soul: I will forever think about myself as a fatty. And I believe everyone else in the whole wide world thinks the same. Even people who never knew me when I was 240lbs, like my new colleagues or random strangers passing by. For example, during our weekend 5k runs around the Lido - which I'm happy to report are becoming somewhat of a habit for sis and me - there are strangers we keep meeting every Saturday. And every single time they pass us by my first thought is: "they must be thinking why is this fatty trying so hard?" and "they must have been laughing inside looking at me spitting blood while attempting a decent pace - as I'm so fat and they are so fit." Do I need to continue? At work, I'm wearing these tailored dresses and suits D gifted me with when I got the new job, and every time I have a meeting I feel like a side of bacon squeezed into a sausage skin. Not because my clothes are too tight - they are perfect - but because they are only size 12 (in UK size... I believe that's a US 10) and in my heart of hearts I'm still a size 20. Welcome in crazyville! Population:1.
By the way, I beat the heartburn and continuous PBing: I stuck to the 5 day poach test and it worked like a charm again. Today I could eat my middle eastern casserole at lunch (strictly one cup) slowly but without any uncomfortable feeling, I managed a tiny amounts of nuts in the afternoon and I could drink all right all day, nothing backing up in my throat. This is miracle territory for me right now. This time last week I was desperate enough and in enough pain daily to log into Lap Band Talk and try to find answers to my questions (my doc is in non-communicado mode at the moment) and all I've learnt is that I most likely have a slip.... Not cool. Last Wednesday I had to meditate and relax that way so the tiny amount of food I tried for dinner would go down.It was crazy and awful. But sticking to liquids and mushies in the last couple of days and going back to basics - that is: measuring food amount EVERY TIME, maximum 1 cup per meal, PROTEIN based meals, chewing properly, taking tiny bites - seemed to be the answer to all my questions.
And this gave me a lot to think of - and I will let you know what I thought of in the next entry.
Until then, have a happy week!