This is my "40 lbs lost" post I've been waiting to share with you all since I started my WLS journey. Let me know what you think.
_________________________________________Dear Thin Me,
I’ve been meaning to talk to you and get to know you better for as long as I can remember.
I’ve always been aware that you exist, but for the life of me, I could have never imagined you – I never had a chance to see you in my mind. Therefore I had no idea how you’d might look.
This always posed one of the biggest obstacles in my efforts to become you: I had no idea who “you” are and how "you" might look like... My imagination – although quite wild and colourful sometimes – was not capable of conjuring your image. That’s the reason I never really felt any connection between the two of us. Even when I said “I want to be you” I did not have an image of you - I had no idea who I'd so dearly want to become.
But now I do know how you look. You might change your hairstyle or colour (more blond highlights), or you might be wearing slightly different dresses, but at least I now have a pretty good image of you.
Here you are...
Now, to be honest and start our relationship right, I must tell you how deeply you ruined my self esteem throughout the years. I know it’s not your fault. I kept chasing you – without knowing what/who I’m chasing, but met with constant disappointment. For example, every time my picture was taken I firmly expected to see you on the photo – but it never was you, it was always dumpy me in various stages of being fat. Or every morning, when I sat down in front of my mirror: I sort of expected to see you in the reflection. But again it was fat me. Every day.
All these repeated disappointments led to me hating my pictures taken and looking into mirrors. Imagine: when I started belly dance training it took me over 6 months to be able to look at myself in the dance studio. That at least worth it – it took me the closest to how I always imagined you; although still not for me, but the admiring eyes of my audience. That felt good. It felt sometimes as living with split personality: I thoroughly hated myself and wanted to hide, still I put myself out there night after night... scantily clad. Crazy, I know! I must have an inner exhibitionist who secretly admires every chance to show herself off. Maybe it was you... Trying to reach out to me. Trying to break free from Fat Me.
To be fair, I believe I didn’t do much to make your life easier either. I mean living under huge amount of fat must be a killer... I hope that me losing over 40 lbs makes your life a little bit easier too – it definitely makes mine better. Good bye high blood pressure, aching knees, profuse sweating! And I start enjoying my exercises too. Just the other day I went for a completely unplanned run around our neck of the wood. Yes, in public! More power to me!
Actually, no: more power to YOU! Ever since I first saw you on this picture you have inspired me to multiply my effort in becoming You. Such a shame I wasted so much time already! I wasted so many years of your life. I hope you can find in yourself to forgive me for that. I promise from now on (well, from 23 June 2011) I’ll do everything I can to make you come alive as soon as possible.
I know my husband fancies you – we’ve got your picture on our fridge. He also cannot wait to meet you and get acquainted more closely. So it’s now two of us rooting for you. I’m sure you also believe in the power of attraction: the more I put into thinking of you and seeing you, the closer you become to reality. Day after day. Even if it takes a year or more. I’d be working hard, I won’t let you down. Not this time. You’re beautiful and deserve a full life.
With lots of love, Fat Me