Arghhh...!

I just saw 188 on the scale - fleetingly...
Then it's made up its mind and settled on 190.6....
Ahhhh... The disappointment! ;) :(

Sent from my iPhone

10 things you need to know...

Ok, here is one more - it's an hour long documentary, but my gosh, it has some interesting facts in it!
So please find an hour in your schedule and cosy up in front of your screen - it will worth it.

Click here to get to the video (I hope they don't take it off soon...)

Enjoy!

P.s.: I particularly enjoyed the bit about food diaries and cheese - I LOOOOOVE cheese! Viva cheese!

You must watch this!

I’ve lost my spiel... Anyone found it? Please return the bloody thing, ‘cause I miss it a lot!

Until my “game” – that’s what it means in German – returns, here are some random thoughts:

• My beloved hubby (David – he keeps telling me that I do not mention his name, so here it is again: DAVID) now regularly reads my blog. Some might think that’s a good thing: he can get some precious insight into his oft times coo-coo wife’s life. Others might twinge at the thought, as they would think you now must consider your other half’s thoughts and emotions. I'm sitting on the fence: I love the fact that he takes interest in my little project and outlet of divulgence; on the other hand sometimes I find second-guessing myself about things I'm about to write: what will he think about it?
•  Yesterday he said the sweetest thing: he read my entry about the letter to Thin Me, and he declared that I was never a fatty in the “real sense”. However, he added, just before I started my pre-op diet he saw me completely losing the grip on my eating (yeah, I was the textbook case of pre-WLS over eating, as I was worried there are going to be things I will never able to eat again...) and I started showing signs of – ok, listen to this: - “fat woman ass”. Apparently that happens when you grow a ledge on the top of your buttocks: that’s what it is. But, but, but: losing just over 40lbs so far has already got rid of the FWA problem. Good to know.
• After a terrible case of overindulgence and not counting my calories (who can account for odd bits of cheesecake and cottage cheese dumplings... following a good wine and two shots of palinka? – brownie points to whoever knows what that is J) I have decided to try the 5 Day Pouch Test from Kaye Bailey. It basically replicates your post-surgery eating stages in 5 days, taking you back to basics and reminding you why it is important that you follow certain rules (and giving a break to your overstretched pouch). I'm on the second day, which is still liquids and this afternoon I found myself mightily missing some crunch – so I took a small pot of 0% greek yogurt and stirred in a tablespoon of oat granola. Tomorrow it’s soft proteins, so I can have eggs, tuna and all kind of softy protein based creations (I'm really looking forward to my evening tuna and parmesan patties...). I believe I will adopt this 5 day blitz approach whenever I catch myself falling off the wagon or committing some overindulgence. It’s a good thing this happened a month before Christmas, as I expect that will be hard time when it comes to sticking to my strict eating ways. So it’s good to know I can steer myself back gently with this 5DTP approach.
•  On another positive note: yesterday I ran 6.5 km – in 50 minutes. And I did not die on the spot. I’m planning to increase my distance slowly but surely up to 10k before I think about starting my half marathon training. Because I'm planning to run the Budapest Nike Half Marathon in next September.

Now, that’s a good statement to end this post!

Letter to Thin Me

This is my "40 lbs lost" post I've been waiting to share with you all since I started my WLS journey. Let me know what you think.

_________________________________________

Dear Thin Me,

I’ve been meaning to talk to you and get to know you better for as long as I can remember.

I’ve always been aware that you exist, but for the life of me, I could have never imagined you – I never had a chance to see you in my mind. Therefore I had no idea how you’d might look.

This always posed one of the biggest obstacles in my efforts to become you: I had no idea who “you” are and how "you" might look like... My imagination – although quite wild and colourful sometimes – was not capable of conjuring your image. That’s the reason I never really felt any connection between the two of us. Even when I said “I want to be you” I did not have an image of you - I had no idea who I'd so dearly want to become.

But now I do know how you look. You might change your hairstyle or colour (more blond highlights), or you might be wearing slightly different dresses, but at least I now have a pretty good image of you.

Here you are...

Now, to be honest and start our relationship right, I must tell you how deeply you ruined my self esteem throughout the years. I know it’s not your fault. I kept chasing you – without knowing what/who I’m chasing, but met with constant disappointment. For example, every time my picture was taken I firmly expected to see you on the photo – but it never was you, it was always dumpy me in various stages of being fat. Or every morning, when I sat down in front of my mirror: I sort of expected to see you in the reflection. But again it was fat me. Every day.

All these repeated disappointments led to me hating my pictures taken and looking into mirrors. Imagine: when I started belly dance training it took me over 6 months to be able to look at myself in the dance studio. That at least worth it – it took me the closest to how I always imagined you; although still not for me, but the admiring eyes of my audience. That felt good. It felt sometimes as living with split personality: I thoroughly hated myself and wanted to hide, still I put myself out there night after night... scantily clad. Crazy, I know! I must have an inner exhibitionist who secretly admires every chance to show herself off. Maybe it was you... Trying to reach out to me. Trying to break free from Fat Me.

To be fair, I believe I didn’t do much to make your life easier either. I mean living under huge amount of fat must be a killer... I hope that me losing over 40 lbs makes your life a little bit easier too – it definitely makes mine better. Good bye high blood pressure, aching knees, profuse sweating! And I start enjoying my exercises too. Just the other day I went for a completely unplanned run around our neck of the wood. Yes, in public! More power to me!

Actually, no: more power to YOU! Ever since I first saw you on this picture you have inspired me to multiply my effort in becoming You. Such a shame I wasted so much time already! I wasted so many years of your life. I hope you can find in yourself to forgive me for that. I promise from now on (well, from 23 June 2011) I’ll do everything I can to make you come alive as soon as possible.

I know my husband fancies you – we’ve got your picture on our fridge. He also cannot wait to meet you and get acquainted more closely. So it’s now two of us rooting for you. I’m sure you also believe in the power of attraction: the more I put into thinking of you and seeing you, the closer you become to reality. Day after day. Even if it takes a year or more. I’d be working hard, I won’t let you down. Not this time. You’re beautiful and deserve a full life.

With lots of love, Fat Me

Week of Public Accountability - Results

Ok, so a bit late – but better than never – I will make good on my accountability promise.

Here are all the figures – without the pics – for last Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The short of it is that I lost 4.4 lbs last week. That is my best weekly loss.

This is another point in case that accountability does work – and the more public you are about your particular topic, the more you will stick to guidelines. At least that’s what happened to me.

I have considered doing this permanently, but I’m afraid this blog would turn into a really boring list of calories in – calories out... and because no-one would read it, the idea of public accountability would be lost. So I will just stick to my strict monitoring regimen and will imagine that all of you are still keeping an eye on what I put in my mouth – no white (or red, or brown and chocolaty...) lies about it!

My numbers - Friday:

Total food intake: 1103 kcal (steak night... khmm...)

Total calorie burned: 3291 kcal

Number of steps taken: 18755

Activity: 5K run

My numbers - Saturday:

Total food intake: 915 kcal

Total calorie burned: 2560 kcal

Number of steps taken: 9359

Activity: nothing what so ever... aka: rest day

My numbers - Sunday:

Total food intake: 1122 kcal (I know, I crap with food over the weekends... I must do better than this in the future.)

Total calorie burned: 2828 kcal

Number of steps taken: 10644 (and that includes 3k run... what a couch potato I can turn into!)

Activity: 3K run

Weight on Monday, 7^th November: 197.6lbs

Weight on Monday, 14^th November: 193.2lbs

Total lost: 4.4lbs – round of applause please!

Checking in

Just a quick note: I've been struck down by tonsillitis AND shingles. What a wonderful and upbeat combination! They made my weekend! (not)


My throat kills me with every swallow I attempt, and shingle sores do not like to be rubbed by Lycra, but I still managed to put in 3k on Sunday around Ruislip Lido - while Hubby walked the doggy. The fact that they did not overtake me walking while I was jogging is a massive achievement in my books. I'm a slow - SLOW - runner.


I will post the Friday-Sunday eating figures later as I intend to make good on my promise of week of accountability. But just to ease the international suspense regarding the weigthloss: although I ran on Friday previous the steak night and Sunday, did my best to eat sensibly all weekend (which seems to be my weakest link), and only slightly went over my calorie limit on Friday and Sunday,my weight went slightly up on Saturday and Sunday morning - but the scale was showing an all-time (looooong time) lowest figure this morning: 193.2! Yey for that!


This was my lowest weight at Christmas 2007, and the smallest David has ever seen me. So as far as he's concerned, every pound lost from now in a bonus. Cannot help but love that point of view!


Ok, back to my painkillers now... 

Week of Public Accountability - Day 4

My food:

Breakfast (107 kcal) – 9am – Chai latte with coconut milk

Lunch (266 kcal) – 1.30pm – Fresh salad with (10ml) thousand island dressing and Tapas bits with houmous (I know I’m eating the same all week, but it’s too nice to throw away...)

PM Snack (295 kcal) – in 3 stages, just like yesterday between 3pm and 7.30pm – Atkins Chocolate Coconut bar, portion of Just the Cheese, Lucozade lite

Dinner (211 kcal) – 8.30pm – Other half of the thai fishcake, bean sprouts and half a cupful of David’s vegetable curry

Total food intake: 879 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 2693 kcal

Number of steps taken: 12644

Activity: 40 min Azucar (360 kcal - like Zumba, but without the “badge”)

Onwards to Friday - and steak night... I'm trying to save calories on snacks today, so I can enjoy the steak I'm going to cook tonight (with low fat creamed spinach and oven baked fires, maybe...)

Another good news: scale was down 2 lbs since yesterday morning. How about that?! I really-really-really do not want to ruin this midweek progress over the weekend. 

So, before steak night commences I'll do one more 5K run, and I'm planning a Zumba session for Sunday so I do not turn into a complete couch potato for the weekend. 

Or - but this have so many ifs and buts, that it might just be a distant plan - if weather is nice on Sunday (here in England that's never a given, not even at summer) I might persuade David to take the dog over to Rusilip Lido, and while he's walking around the lake with doggy, I can do a spot of jogging. That would be lovely.

Big hugs for all - and have a great weekend!

Week of Public Accountability - Day 3 (revised)

Thanks again for everyone keeping an eye on me - it does really worked so far!

So not to waste time - in medias res...
My food:

Breakfast (121 kcal) – 7am – Chai Latte with coconut milk

Lunch (270 kcal) – 12.30pm – Tapas bits with houmous and smoked cheese

PM Snack (283 kcal) – (between 3.30pm and 7.30 in 3 stages) – 1: Total0% with strawberry and a plum; 2: portion of Just the Cheese; 3: Lucozade lite sports drink

Dinner (184 kcal) – 8.00pm – 1/2 Thai fish cake with stir fried veg and bean sprouts

After Dinner Snack: (9pm) – 2 pieces of Celebration*

Total food intake: 958 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 3316 kcal

Number of steps taken: 20958

Activity: 5K run (610 kcal – included above) +extra dog walking duties

*: I have to have a hear-to-hear with Hubby again. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a list for him about what he is always welcome to do/say and should never do/say to support me in my WLS journey. I understand his need to buy certain foods I'd rather not have in the house (like ice cream and cookies) but they do not bother me much when I just focus a little, if I'm honest. However, despite my protestation, he bought a small bucket of Celebrations for the Halloween trick-or-treaters (miniature Mars, Galaxy, Bounty, etc bars). We did not have any trick-or-treaters this year.. so the box stayed unopened. Two days after Halloween I asked him to take the sweets to work with him, but he refused. He instead put the box up in his drinks cabinet (where he keeps all his Cokes and stuff - I do not really go in there). Now, one important point on the above mentioned list is that he cannot hide food from me - because it triggers my "defiance mode" and I go for them "just to show you that you cannot control me".

Yesterday night I was home alone, watching Downton Abbey and I thought about the Celebration box... I opened it and ate two pieces... I felt defeated; and even though I was still under my daily calorie limit I felt my control slipping very fast. I went to bed early. 

It was too late to bring this up with him when he came home, but I intend to ask him again to clear away the sweets from the house. It seems that no matter how much I try I cannot be trusted around them.**


**: I asked Beloved to read this entry - he took it to heart... and took the sweets to work. Not without grumbling, though.... He stated his right to have sweets in the house for his eating pleasure. We need to come up with some compromise here: I do not mind most of his treats as I do not like them (like cookies and ice cream, etc.) He can have all those, if he wishes... I hope he'll understand.
He also asked me to let you all know: he actually surfaced from his coma this morning and cheered me when I stepped on the scale. Way to go, Hun! I love you!

Week of Public Accountability – Day 2

I exhibited some erratic behaviour about my food choices yesterday... I felt a little bit deprived after Monday’s scarcity and the pound loss showing on the scale Tuesday morning also influenced me – not in a good way. I'm afraid I'm one of those people who battle really hard with food to make good choices, but when they do they reward themselves with – guess what? – FOOD. How stupid is that? I need to work on breaking this cycle. It proved to be my downfall every time after a certain period on any successful diet: after losing a lot I started thinking “oh, it’s okay to eat (..fill in whatever bad choice you can think of..) this one time; you've been working so hard and good lately, you deserve this treat!”. And it always ended up with me gaining back all what I lost with interest. Why do I do this????

So, as you will see, there were some less than stellar choices on my plate – and they all appeared following the display of the above mentioned destructive behaviour.

On a more positive note: I still managed to eat under my daily allowance (1029 kcal) and did an hour walking in my lunch break. Also, Scale God was forgiving this morning, showing 0.6lb loss which I’m very grateful for looking at the pictures down here:

My food:

Breakfast (132 kcal) – 7am – Total0% with homemade apple pie innards (SF)

AM Snack (211 kcal) – 11.30 am – portion of Just the Cheese and half a tossed salad

 (half of this salad)

Lunch (259 kcal) – 2.30pm – Tapas bits with half pot of low fat houmous and smoked cheese

PM Snack (118 kcal) – 4.30pm – 3 pieces of Chocolaty Micro Bites

Dinner (251 kcal) – 8.30pm – Tuna Insalatissime with Camembert and crostini

Total food intake: 971 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 2778 kcal

Number of steps taken: 14248

Activity: 60 min walk

Week of Public Accountability – Day 1

My food:

Breakfast (121 kcal) – 9am – Chai latte with coconut milk (I’m not a breakfast person; also trying to cut out caffeine and dairy)

Lunch (196 kcal) – 1pm – grilled chicken pieces, mini Babybell, 10g Hint of Chilli mayonnaise

PM Snack (123 kcal) – 4pm – Total0% with blueberries

Dinner (161 kcal) – 8.30pm – 1 egg omelette with smoked salmon, spring onion and grated Red Leicester (matchbox is to give you a sense of portion size)

After dinner snack (162 kcal) – 9.45pm – Chai latte with semi-skimmed milk

Total food intake: 763 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 2764 kcal

Number of steps taken: 12884

Activity: 45 min Zumba (475 kcal – included in burned)

A couple of things you need to know, before while formulating your opinion:

• I have a BodyBug (BodyMedia device) which keeps track of all my movements and all the calories my body burns in a day. That's how I know so much...
• I cannot do much fruit – it makes me very bloated. I try to have them occasionally and I keep buying them every week... But I hardly eat them.
• I'm really struggling with my water intake. I drink Crystal Lights and fruit teas most of the time, but I cannot say a reach the 2l (64 oz) limit every day. Some days I do.

I must tell you, this accountability thing is working for me: throughout the day when I was making all kinds of choices my second thought always was “this is going public, I really need to do my best...”.

So I did not have toast with my dinner, I did not skip exercising and were overall sensible with my choices.

Thanks for everyone who offered to keep an eye on me – on and off line.

Bring on the crazy!

I've been munching on data this morning.

My Monday morning weigh-in was utterly disappointing. Totally expected, but still utterly disappointing.

On Friday I saw 194.8 on the scale, which was great – as it is only 0.2lbs away from 40lbs lost. (And I have a real treat of a post for you, dear readers as soon as I hit that mark...)

However, following a very lax and undisciplined weekend of eating, the scale this morning showed 197.6 – duhhh.

The laxness and undisciplined-ness of my weekend started Friday evening with 2 cocktails and some Greek platter including pita bread, while having an utterly pleasant evening chatting away with a new WLS friend of mine, Sonia (Hi there! Hope you’re reading this :).

On Saturday it was all good until the evening, when a visit with Sis to the cinema included a “good handful” of pick’n’mix – with brazil nuts and raisins covered in chocolate. I shouldn’t have... I know. I was well aware that I’m screwing with my great results so far. But as my motto above says: knowing is not enough - we must apply.

To top this, Sunday we opened with breakfast from under the golden arches. I haven’t set foot in that establishment since well before my surgery, so I felt really naughty... not in a good way. I promptly PBd on the first bite of my egg muffin... Yeah, my band cannot stand crap food – she’s so much more disciplined than I am. After that I took it easy, but had a bit from the utterly heavenly slow roasted pork belly for dinner with half a cup of mashed potato (that felt so good on my upset pouch!). And-and-and: later in the evening I even measured out a scoop of Hagen Daazs Belgian chocolate ice cream to eat while watching telly. I did not have even half of it though – it tasted vile!

(Have you noticed that there was no mention of any physical exercise during that weekend recount? That’s because I did not undertake any. I did not even walked the dog – hubby did that.)

So here we are, on Monday morning: and of course the scale was up.

Entering those “results” (what’s the opposite of result? Insult?) into my various spreadsheets nearly made me cry... It also prompted me to analyse my weight loss data more deeply. So that’s what I did.

Here are some interesting facts I learned:

• Since I started my WLS journey on 13^th June 2011, I have lost 66.6lbs – and gained 29.6lbs
• That’s nearly one pound gained for every 2 pounds I’ve lost. Talking about two step forward, one step back....
• So far I’ve lost 15.77% of my starting weight, that’s 56.7% of my “official” excess weight and 43.7% towards my goal weight.
• My best daily average losses are occurring on Tuesdays (0.76lbs) and Thursdays (0.70lbs).
• I’m mostly maintaining on Wednesdays (+0.02lbs average) and gaining on Sundays (+0.73lbs average)

All right, I think you are now sufficiently convinced that I’m a complete nutter – and I love my spreadsheets. (Any vacancies for a data analyst? Preferably on a tropical island setting?)

But I have more...

Lately – not just over the weekend, but last week too – I have noticed that my accountability is slipping when it comes to journaling my foods. I still account for everything I eat, but I have caught myself trying to slip up on some items I did not want to admit to (like the pick’n’mix in the movie). The good news is that they did get entered into my journal eventually (I use MyFitnessPal – on my iPhone mostly), but I’m afraid that I will start to relax my strict journaling rules as the time goes by.

So, for this week I decided to introduce an even harsher way to make myself accountable – on top of MFP journal: I will take pictures of absolutely everything I put in my mouth and post the collages every other day or so, together with calorie values. I’d like to invite you to pass judgement on my choices: am I doing good? Am I on a slippery slope? Seeing that I could be very near to my ultimate goal if I would have “skipped” the gaining bits (29.6lbs), it freaks me out to think I’m jeopardising my success with what I’m eating.

So turn up the crazy-volume this week: I’m aiming for the gold medal in short term indoor obsessiveness!

Epiphany in the sauna – and vacancies in cheering department

Yesterday I ran my first proper 5k since back from holiday. I ran on the treadmill, but that’s because English weather and lighting conditions around parks do not support outside running in my opinion. And it’s also much kinder on my joints than pounding tarmac. My usual treat after such an accomplishment is 2*15minutes in the sauna. And because I'm usually alone in there, that’s also my designated thinking time.

So, while laying in the dry steam in my full glory, I had an epiphany last night: I do not give myself credit for my achievements along the way. You know the feeling? I’m so focused on my ultimate goals (getting to 150lbs, running a half marathon, etc.) that I don’t ever stop to think how far have I already come, how much have I achieved and things I’m doing already. And that’s not good.

For example: by following a training schedule for the run, every time I finish a session (like the 5k yesterday evening) my next thought is: “ok, another 5k on Wednesday...” Or when I step on the scale each morning (yes, another Scale Whore here – hi!) and I see I’ve lost 1.4 lbs since yesterday morning my next thought is: “ok, 47 lbs more to go...”.

I never give a jot about what I’ve just done or already been doing. I firmly keep my eyes on the finishing line in the distance.

My revelatory moment went something like this:

“ok, first 5k done for the week, one more on Wednesday and I felt very good and not too tired so we’ll see how it goes over the weekend, maybe we can do a 6 or 7k...” (this is general Me, but now new Me peeps in): “Hold on! What did just happen? What did you just do? You’re telling me you ran 5k on your own volition? Seriously? No one chased you? No one threatened you with on-the-spot execution if you stop? After 8 hours at work and walking the dog at 6am in the morning, you just got up and ran 5k? Just 5 months ago you never even ran after a bus!! You wouldn’t have ran from a mugger, for goodness sake! So can we just stop here and have a minute silence in remembrance of this momentous event? WELL DONE YOU!!! And, by the way, a massive big WELL DONE for losing 37lbs too! That’s amazing!! You are really doing this and you doing it well! I’m really impressed – now go and enjoy the feeling of “can do” and achievement!”

I was a bit stunned, to be honest. I mean I’m all for rewards in life (you should see my shopping history on Amazon lately... Or just take a look at my emotional eating issues when I’ve done something great and good...) but I must admit I’ve never really gave credit to myself. Not in the real sense of stopping for a minute and looking back at what I’ve done and having a real good pat on the mental shoulder. But now I start to feel how very important that is in the long run – especially in tackling my food-as-reward mental hard wiring I’ve got since I was a toddler. I need to appreciate my achievements more inside of my head, and not just by getting a new gadget or book or lingerie (– or god forbid: ice cream). The mental appreciation and rewarding is much more important and last much longer. And for the record I haven’t even done the rewarding by shopping bit lately: I’ve rain checked on my last two rewards I’ve earned on my journey. See my updated entry about my goals.)

So, following that little conversation with myself, I let myself enjoy the moment and went a step further – in my humorous sense. I actually figured out what I need. I need a cheering department. It would consist of 4 people: - every morning I want Alison Sweeney in my bathroom by my scale, telling me “Congratulations Krisztina! You’ve lost ....lbs since your first weigh-in! That’s ...% of weight loss so far, which permanently puts you above the yellow line! Go, and join the others.” The next person I definitely want on my cheering team is either Bob Harper or Jillian Michaels. I want one of them to stand by me when I finish a longer run and shout at me: “You DID it! YOU did it! You just ran ...k!! I told you can do it!! Don’t ever say “you can’t” anymore! That’s bullsh*t! YOU CAN DO IT!” A part time job would involve my surgeon, Dr Bende, who should oversee my weekly records of weight loss, exercise, eating and general wellbeing and congratulate me on being a poster girl of band-patient and tell me how proud he is of me and what a great decision it was from both of us to get on with the surgery. I would also employ – only part time – a person who walks behind me when I’m shopping or eating out and whispers in my ear “you’ve come so far! You’re doing so great! Do not ruin it by making crap choices now! You do not need the cheese twist (or whatever I want to buy and eat impulsively because I convinced myself that I deserve it)! You deserve much more and you are getting it! Make the right choices!” It’s slightly different from its original use in ancient Rome, but hey: it’s my imagination.*

Hubby kindly offered to join the cheering team, bless his heart! But he missed his very first accepted appearance this morning at 6am when I stumbled on my scale before walking the dog and saw that miraculously (or by eating right yesterday and running 5k) I’ve lost 1.4lbs since yesterday morning. He later said that the snoring noises I heard were actually his shouted words of congratulation and encouragement, but they were muffled by the blanket he pulled over his head because the bathroom lights were bothering his firmly shut eyes... hahh.

*: in ancient Rome when the victorious commanders of war had their customary triumph, there was a slave standing behind them in their chariots throughout the whole day, whispering in their ear that whatever they’ve accomplished they are only humans. They did this to make sure that all the celebration and pomp does not spoil the victorious leader too much.